Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever