Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Start the year as you intend to continue.