The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
You Might Also Like
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.