[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Only a mother’s love …
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.