Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER