I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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Remember folks 😂
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Y’all know who you are.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth