SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”