That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
When your parents check you’re ok.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face