[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me