Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
You Might Also Like
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
the greatest twitter interaction
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED