“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Me in tagged photos
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other