I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
reminder
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Haha good job!!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven