Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290