Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
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Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?