My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy