Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
😬
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
hi why am I like this
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.