Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken