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My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.