Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.