Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
same bro
i choose….tongue
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen