I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Living the best life.. 😊
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds