me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Monica just destroyed the internet
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.