Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.