Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy