People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.