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I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m being attacked 😭
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
🚲+physics = winner
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you