my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same