I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Welcome
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Lol.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this