MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
yeet
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.