Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.