BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]