[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for