My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.