I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot