Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
A leaf blower, but for people.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!