Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.