“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap