Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
peeping toms