*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m good, thanks.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”