Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick