“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.