Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles