Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.