*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
23. the denim jacket
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!