the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
There’s never enough good news
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…