Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.