[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO