The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Found my door mat
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too