There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Received some very disappointing news today
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.