The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.